Такое себе!

Сегодня, я опять поняла, что до мурашек, до истерики боюсь быть преданной. Я размышляла об одиночестве, однако оно не вызвало такой же страх, как мысли о предательстве.

Есть люди, которым очень трудно открыться, впустить в жизнь нового человека, но вот ты это делаешь, ведь тебе кажется что этот человек, не может тебя ранить, но дело в том что каждый раз ты ошибаешься. Я всегда поражалась способностью людей, сделать тебе больно, я не знаю, возможно это новая человеческая сущность, деформированная и гадкая, знаю не все такие и слава богу! Как то меня спросили – а может это ты выбираешь таких людей? Не знаю, у меня нет специального радара, к сожалению. Просто если вас впустили в жизнь такие люди, неужели так сложно не делать больно? Помню, я впустила не просто в свою жизнь человека, а в свое сердце) как говориться:  не попробуешь не узнаешь. Этот человек прекрасно знал, какая я, но так же он знал, каков он. С ним мне было весело, наше общение 95% состоит из переписки, так как мы живем в разных странах, переписываемся уже несколько лет и мне всегда, хочется рассказать именно ему первому, как у меня дела, какие у меня трудности, ведь он может заставить меня смеяться, поверить в себя, забыть о чем то, но при всем при этом, он может сломать меня за две секунды, просто сказав что-то. Вы скажете что я – драматизирую, хотела бы сказать что это так, но этот человек мне очень дорог, он важен для меня и видимо я допустила непростительную ошибку, позволила появится чувствам и теперь, любой его поступок или слово влияют на меня. У него не лучший характер, он сложный, немного властный, чуть эгоист( поймете почему), импульсивен, ему иногда даже “объяснение не нужно” он и так “знает”, он фантастически упрям но его другие качества и то как я себя чувствую, когда общаюсь с ним, все те качества ставят на второй план, точнее ставили) Бывает такое, что я не понимаю сто с ним или чего он хочет от меня, он может быть грубым, резким и саркастичным. Самое грустное, что он даже не объясняет что именно не так, не понимаю что я делаю не так и меня это злит, он не открыт для меня и, по-видимому, не для кого. просто уйдет, так как все непросто, хоть он и говорил что не сделает этого. Если кто-нибудь это и прочитает, я не жалею себя, я просто не могу разобраться в себе и в этом

If I die young…

Yesterday my brother’s friend passed away. He was 25 not more and because of someone’s mistake, he is gone now…

Each time stories like this get me goosebumps.. why things like this happen? Why we have to feel the pain of loosing someone?! Why it hurts me even if I dont know person?! God I swear I cant take it any more, I cant handle, too difficult to live here

You may wonder why I dont write about something else, friends or family or even how to bake a cake? Good question, answer is simple – I dont feel the need to do so, do if you dont like my posts you are very welcome to go away 💜

Humans

Since last night, i have been thinking about inequality in our world… Even when I was a child I used to cry and ask my mum – Mum why this child is alone? Where is his mum? His mum doesn’t love him?why he is asking for food? Can we take him with us?

I have questioned humanity… I have been asking God why we would do that? Why children get ill? Why their parents die and leave them alone?why this life is so unfair? Why some billionaires buy 3 cars per day( which cost for 500 000$, and more) but some children cant even get access to water resources!

Even with huge organizations such as Unicef children still suffer, still struggle and I hate it, I hate that I cant help, I hate that not everyone wants to help..

Every day I think about things like this and it makes me even more miserable, depressed, sad…

Oh and i lied to you when I said that I used to cry, I still cry

A brother like mine…..

a brother like mine will never be on your side,

a brother like mine cares more about his friends and their friends ,

a brother like mine prefers to hang out with his girlfriend,

a brother like mine hates so spend time with me more than once in a month,

a brother like mine always skips his lessons,

a brother like mine never asks you – how are you?

a brother like mine will never call you,

a brother like mine has never called you first, just because he wants so ,

a brother like mine never has time to take you somewhere cause he is taking his friends already,

a brother like mine always calls you stupid and never gets why you are like this, broken….

a brother like mine can forget his family but not his girlfriend’s family,

a brother like mine is a unique,

a brother like mine needs more love from me,

a brother like mine lacks caring and warm,

a brother like mine needs more cheering,

a brother like mine needs more attention,

a brother like mine must be listened closely,

a brother like mine must be heard,

a brother like mine is just a boy who suffers from his problems,

a brother like mine is still loved by me and sisters like me,

cause sisters like me, will never leave brother like mine.

no time for….

hello, there is so much in my head that I want to share and I “easily” used to share it here or in my notebook but now it kind of difficult, not sure why…

I feel like I am somewhere at the edge of the roof and my situation is not very beneficial for me cause balancing here is too difficult and if I lose control I will fall. I always want to start with other words like I used to but it seems for now it is impossible

Well, life is again full of nothing<3 I miss my friends soo much, I miss my town< small and cozy, streets and my favorite places to think and hide from everyone…. now it is even more difficult to see my friends especially AN2M2( our group name) cause our holidays never coincide with each other, thank God others are there and I am able to see them but it feels that the space between us is increasing, I mean different space, or maybe I am just wrong.

Harry is still in my heart or whatever… but still not with me 😀 yeah I know.. S told me not to talk about him… not even mention but how I am supposed to do that ? Well I need to understand that he is not interested anymore but it is driving me crazy

I am writing a song… actually a music to it cause i already have the lyric so I hope that it will be fascinating.. wish me luck… — Luna ❤

where are you now……….?

where are you now……….?

     Hellooo, five minutes ago I have posted new “post” which I wrote long time ago but it appeared I forgot to post…. If you are wondering what I am doing or what has happened for that time, just continue to read my friend….

     sometimes we just found ourselves sitting on our bads and thinking about our life, it seems that the room is saturated with some kind of smoke and vertex of thoughts… it feels like we can even touch this strange feeling inside of our heads… I always try to be positive but the thing is that I am not… I am always sad and feel tired and kind of nervous, I don’t know the reasons but it really sucks but I can’t help it…  now it is my first year of University, I really like it but I find it difficult to live here… ahhh dunno everything started with this summer, as I have already mentioned it was not that kind of summer I wanted… not sure what I was expecting… I got fat and was rejected kind of, I love my friend< I adore the time when I am with them but still I feel lonely and broken, sometimes I think about the place… probably Santorini or something like that, sun, sea and peace, maybe I just need to be alone for some time but not sure, it is going to be very difficult cause I have university now and I have a lot to do… all the colors have turned into black, grey and blue… fuck Harry causeI still think about him and fuck this shit cause I still wonder what he is doing and I can focus on other things, I know that he is probably sitting on his bad and he is not even thinking about me, don’t ask why I am so sure… I just know, miss him every fucking day

University… well I have new friends and I really like them, it is even harder than I thought it would be but still, I like it and I am trying to keep up with programme cause falling behind is a very bad idea. I miss writing soo much but I have no time to do that, I will try to type something once in a week..maybe I will continue my old fanfic about harry styles… ok now I need to go… thanks for listening ❤

summer I guess…..

hey….. soo what about summer? actually, I love summer and every year I am waiting for it but this year something went wrong….. soo let me show you, how this post should have started

……from somewhere you can hear music, the weather as always welcomes new people and us too. Sun is unbelievably shining and because of this, it is very hot here… In the air is the smell of the sea and it is mixed with the smell of candy and ice cream which the old lady is selling near our spot on the beach. The place is crowded, you can hear the girls screaming and laughing, boys are playing volleyball…. the typical situation at the beach but of course there is one place that not everybody is aware of… and as in every teenagers’ movie that place is “mine” I love to spend my time here.

anyway, my summer was full of dramas and shit, can it be that I just somehow attract problems?fuck and Harry is always here in my thoughts to make me feel even worse, it’s like I am happy sometimes when I think about him but then I get sad cause he said his “goodbye” and that makes me sick and uhh dunno. The point is that now I am trying to find what’s wrong with me and it’s driving me crazy… I am not good enough and that kind of thoughts are in my head soo yeah that sucks the whole situation is kind of devouring me from the inside but even a plethora of tries were not able to help…

What?!two years?!

What?!two years?!

Helloo again 💜 I cant believe that two years ago I decided to create this thing!!! Crazy!!! Time is passing by tooo fast!!! Uh btw 5 days ago was my birthday… it’s not like I was not happy, no I was, my friends showed up and we had fun I guess but the feeling that I am 19 now is not fun for me.

What to do with my life?! Honestly I am confused as always, not sure what to do, what to say, where to go…. it seems that I have lost my friend again, nit in that way, he is just ignoring me!! As I said… when people get to know me, then they are trying to avoid me. Well now what about Harry… hmmm let me tell you that again I am confused! Yeah… so I made a really stupid things or not!…. he said – hi and I “ignored” him but it was not on purpose I just froze! I was not expecting him that soon! Then my messages of explanations…

Aftet that we continued to chat, then onr day he called me and we talked for four hours then he disappeared again…. than again chat and to make long story short, on my birthday my friend recorded a video of congratulations and he recorded it too, then he called me and asked how was it… we talked for 1 hour and then we was like – i cant sleep.. so we continued our chat in messenger… ahh he is really something to me

Where are u now?!…

Where are u now?!…

Why i cant get out from here? This situation is devouring me. I am sinking in this black mess and one day I would prefer to not to wake up💜It’s easy to say that u will end things but its really hard to do that…. it requires a lot of strength to force yourself , so whenever u say that someone was weak and because of this he/she chose easy way to escape, think twice, cause it requires a lot of courage and strength. Weak people can only hope to die, they are just waiting for that to happen cause they cant do it by themselves…

Under the blue sky, with headphones on, while sad music is playing walking is best thing u can do, even if tears are falling no one will stop u) cause that’s life, people are too selfish these days I guess, they dont care but even if they do they wont find courage to ask stranger what’s up…

Friends are like pills, u need them and they can help but for awhile, then the effect disappears, no one can see your soul and the struggle, to tell this is hard no matter how much u will tell someone about your fears and problems, I know that it’s impossible to tell everything cause its too personal, its not about trust its about you… not wanting to let someone touch your soul and read your mind, but how long you will be like this? How long I am going to be like that?😅 ahhh seriously dunno what to do